I’m fine
I am like a broken disc. Ever since I can remember I’ve always masked my pain and hate. I started to feel unloved and rejected at a very young age. My father left and never turned back, but I’m fine.
A stranger moved in and he liked to come into my room while I slept, but I’m fine.
I felt disgusting and hated myself but I’m fine.
At the age of 11 I started to abuse alcohol. I craved numbness, but I’m fine.
At 15 I had an eating disorder thinking, “Now I will be loved,” but I’m fine.
At 16 I had uncontrollable anger and got kicked out of my house, but I’m fine.
I haven’t slept in months even if I try, but I’m fine.
I’m spiraling out of control and I can’t seem to love me. I’m wearing a mask of laughter, however, I’m fine.
At 18 Christ was introduced to me and I fell for him and I’m truly fine.
But I thought everything that haunted me was still a part of me. “I can’t love myself. Everyone is better off without me, even God,” I said to myself. “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.” I’m a fraud. I don’t love anyone. My thoughts are taking control but I’m still fine.
In my 20s I fell in love with a guy but it didn’t go well. The self-hate had not gone away. I loved him but how could he ever love me. “He will leave me just like everyone leaves—just like my father left,” but I’m fine.
At 27 I shouted, “I need help!” and they listened. I started talking and what I found was PTSD and chronic depression. The anger, insomnia, eating disorder, the self-hate, the lies that clouded my mind are now making sense. I am not damaged goods or broken, and I am especially not a victim. God made no mistake in saving me. He placed the right people to get me the help I needed. Now I’m moving forward and when I say I’m fine I mean it.
If you’re fine, but not really, please do two things. One, talk to someone about it—a friend, a parent, a teacher, a pastor, a coworker—someone. Two, connect with Houston First Church of God in March as they talk about stress, depression, anxiety, and what the Bible says about it. Find more information at www.hfcog.org/easy or email Pastor Tim at pastortim@hfcog.org. You are not alone and God is able!
With love,
Jackie