I’m fine

I am like a broken disc.  Ever since I can remember I’ve always masked my pain and hate. I started to feel unloved and rejected at a very young age.  My father left and never turned back, but I’m fine

A stranger moved in and he liked to come into my room while I slept, but I’m fine

I felt disgusting and hated myself but I’m fine

At the age of 11 I started to abuse alcohol.  I craved numbness, but I’m fine

At 15 I had an eating disorder thinking, “Now I will be loved,” but I’m fine

At 16 I had uncontrollable anger and got kicked out of my house, but I’m fine.

I haven’t slept in months even if I try, but I’m fine.

I’m spiraling out of control and I can’t seem to love me.  I’m wearing a mask of laughter, however, I’m fine.


At 18 Christ was introduced to me and I fell for him and I’m truly fine

But I thought everything that haunted me was still a part of me.  “I can’t love myself.  Everyone is better off without me, even God,” I said to myself.  “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.”  I’m a fraud.  I don’t love anyone.  My thoughts are taking control but I’m still fine.

In my 20s I fell in love with a guy but it didn’t go well.  The self-hate had not gone away.  I loved him but how could he ever love me.  “He will leave me just like everyone leaves—just like my father left,” but I’m fine.


At 27 I shouted, “I need help!” and they listened.  I started talking and what I found was PTSD and chronic depression.  The anger, insomnia, eating disorder, the self-hate, the lies that clouded my mind are now making sense.  I am not damaged goods or broken, and I am especially not a victim. God made no mistake in saving me.  He placed the right people to get me the help I needed.  Now I’m moving forward and when I say I’m fine I mean it.


If you’re fine, but not really, please do two things.  One, talk to someone about it—a friend, a parent, a teacher, a pastor, a coworker—someone.  Two, connect with Houston First Church of God in March as they talk about stress, depression, anxiety, and what the Bible says about it.  Find more information at www.hfcog.org/easy or email Pastor Tim at pastortim@hfcog.org.  You are not alone and God is able!


With love,